you again

Last night I went, hoping you'd be there.

I saw your car in the parking lot, and I felt happy that I'd risked. You were charming and funny as usual--but also incredibly and simply wise.

I can't take my eyes off you; I wonder how obvious it is.

When I left, you were sending people off with a smile and a "y'all come back now, y'hear?" I took your hand, and told you quickly how much I appreciate what you say.

I can't often read people, but I read you then. Your eyebrows went up, surprised, as if what I said meant something. And maybe you weren't sure whether to believe it. But you wanted to. A whisper of hope.

As I drove away, I knew that you are the second coming of the same old thing. I should run away as fast as I can, because I can't live through another one of those. But maybe, if God is in it, it would be different? A whisper of hope.

Today at meeting again, I said hi, then studiously ignored you as you prowled the perimeter. You are like Rilke's Panzer, restless energy contained. I'd like to think I've baited the hook, and now it's your job to come and bite.

I think I see, but maybe I'm just dreaming. Oh well, I can always hope.

The Danger of Me

I am always running to the next thing, even when I haven't finished what is before me. My heart seeks fancy, never willing to be alone, to quiet itself. I had rather dream of what is to come than live in the now. I find the perceived Mr. Right and settle my affections on him, when he is a stranger--a two-dimensional object. Not much different than porn.

I have found one, and for all intents and purposes, he is perfect--everything I seek. The irony is that I have never met him; talked to him once, but he doesn't know me, and I don't know him. I'm right back where I was in college. Incapable of knowing how to meet someone and build a relationship, so I stick with my worshiping from afar. I think I shall never have what I yearn for because I cannot step out of who I am.